


What's The Worst That Could Happen?

by MercuryShep



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Muggle, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, And they suck at it, Baby Harry, But At Least They're Trying, General toddler shenanigans, M/M, Raising harry au, Remus and Sirius are Babysitting, Sirius and Remus are Husbands, Toddler Harry, if that Spices things up for you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:14:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23204521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MercuryShep/pseuds/MercuryShep
Summary: James and Lily Potter are off on a much-deserved vacation and they've tasked their two best friends Remus Lupin and Sirius Black with taking care of their two-year-old son Harry for a weekend. It should be an absolute breeze, right?...Right?A fic in which Harry screams, Sirius panics, and Remus realizes they are Definitely Not Qualified for this.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin & Harry Potter, Sirius Black & Harry Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 21
Kudos: 123





	1. Everything Will Be Fine

“Alright, and this is his lion. He loves his lion and he sleeps with it every night so make sure he doesn’t get it dirty. Here are some extra blankets, in case it’s cold. There are extra changes of clothes in his bag and some extra socks and a few pairs of shoes in case it rains and there is mud. Don’t forget to give him his rash ointment if he breaks out, and there is a change of sheets in his bag if he wets the bed. Oh, and–!”

“Okay, okay, I think they get the point, love,” James interrupted, gently squeezing Lily’s shoulder with a playful smile and roll of his eyes. “You’ve packed every conceivable item a toddler would ever need over the span of two days. He nearly has more luggage than we do!”

Remus chimed in as he took a couple of bags from her, “Of course, I’m sure everything will be fine. What's the worst that could happen?" That statement seemed to make Lily wince a bit, so he quickly added, "You two just enjoy your vacation. You deserve it.” He gave Lily a kiss on the cheek and she visibly relaxed at the reassurance.

“Yeah, and make sure you use protection unless you want another one of those things running around!” exclaimed Sirius with a mischievous grin, giving James a good jab in the arm with his elbow.

Harry, a two-year-old boy with a wild mop of curly black hair and wide green eyes like his mother’s, shuffled shyly behind James and gripped tightly onto the seam of his pant leg. He occasionally peeked up to look between Sirius and Remus, but mostly he just closed his eyes and pressed his face to the back of James’s thigh. Remus offered a gentle wave of greeting; Sirius attempted to make a silly face. Harry only whimpered and reached up for Lily’s hands. Perhaps this wouldn’t be as easy as they had assumed.

“Okay, Harry, it’s time for mummy and daddy to go now, alright?” Lily cooed, crouching down to give him a hug.

“No,” he whined softly, pouting up at her, and as she pulled away to give James a turn for a hug he shouted a more demanding, “No!”

James picked up Harry and passed him to Sirius, and as he did so he leaned in to murmur “Good luck” in his ear. Then he smiled and waved and the four of them said their goodbyes and attempted to ignore Harry’s increasing volume of wailing and crying. As soon as the door closed behind James and Lily, the real chaos began.

“Bloody hell, he’s got a pair of lungs on him, doesn’t he?” said Sirius, although much of his voice was drowned out by Harry’s angry scream-crying. Harry thrashed and kicked his feet and hit his tiny fists against Sirius’s shoulder and head with a surprising amount of force. “Hey! Hey! Stop kicking me or I’ll kick you back!” he shouted, which only seemed to anger Harry further.

“Sirius, just put him down,” Remus said with a chuckle, taking the angry toddler from him and setting him on the floor. Harry immediately collapsed onto his back and started screeching so loud that it seemed physically impossible. “Fuck,” he added under his breath, smug smile quickly fading, and promptly left to unpack Harry’s bags and set up the portable toddler bed in the guest bedroom.

Sirius stared slack-jawed at the tantruming toddler for a moment, unsure if he should be mortified or impressed by the display. “Hey, don’t leave me alone with this thing!” he called as Remus hurriedly retreated to the back of the house. “Coward.”

For a minute or two he just awkwardly stood over Harry as he cried and rolled around on the floor in a sputtering red-faced mess of snot and tears, but eventually he figured there may be something he could do to get him to calm down.

“Alright, Harry, erm.. Stay here, I’ll be right back.” He looked around briefly in a bit of a panic before backing away from Harry and rushing into the kitchen to see if he had any fun kid-friendly snacks to bribe the little monster with.

“Ah… Right.” The pantry was so empty that you could practically see the cobwebs forming inside it. On to Plan B.

Quickly Sirius returned to Harry’s side and picked up his stuffed lion off the floor, offering it to him with a smile. “Hey, Harry, check out your lion! You like Mr. Lion, right?” He wiggled the toy around a bit, but Harry did not budge. He didn’t even acknowledge that he had heard Sirius at all.

“Okay, okay. What do kids like?” Sirius said to himself, desperately searching for a way to stop the deafening screeches that could wake the dead at this point. Then his eyes finally settled upon his glorious saviour: his guitar, resting on its stand in the other corner of the living room. 

He skirted the screaming Harry, careful to avoid stepping on any fingers or toes, and made a beeline for his guitar. He grabbed it and sat down on the couch before strumming a few chords and plucking the strings in a soothing melody. It was admittedly frustrating and hard to focus with Harry’s incessant crying, but he did his best to keep his cool while he played.

As if on cue, Remus hurried back into the room with wide eyes and a soft blanket in tow. He and Sirius made eye contact for a silent _“Oh, fuck, what have we gotten ourselves into,”_ before he knelt carefully in front of Harry and spread the blanket over him, softly patting his back and squeezing his shoulder. “It’s alright, Harry, we’re here. Sirius and Remus are here for you, okay?”

“No!” Harry shouted, and burst into a fresh fit of tears and thrashing in an attempt to get the blanket off. As he rolled and wiggled around, though, he inadvertently tangled himself up in the blanket enough that Remus was at least in less danger of being pummeled and kicked by the swarm of angry toddler limbs.

Remus placed a gentle, but firm hand on Harry’s ankle so he could pull his shoes off one at a time, taking advantage of Harry’s incapacitated state to do so. As soon as the second shoe was off it was like Harry was a whole new child, only quietly whimpering and sniffling as he sat still under his blanket.

“Thank God,” Sirius said, and Remus carefully unwrapped Harry to free his hands while still keeping him snugly covered. He then passed the lion to Harry, who gripped it tight and squeezed with both arms. The only sound now was Sirius’s quiet strumming of the guitar, which they all relished for a moment. Remus thought Harry would almost look cute like this if not for his horribly puffy eyes, red cheeks, and the general sliminess of having smeared mucus all over his face, hands, shirt, blanket, and stuffed animal.

It was a smart idea for Lily and James (although most likely just Lily) to have put Harry in pajamas before coming over, because changing his clothes after just calming him down would have been an impossible feat. Luckily Remus could instead just pick him up, blanket and all, and carry him to the bedroom to lay him down for sleep. Harry was too exhausted by his long tantrum to protest Remus’s touch with much more than a displeased grunt, so he allowed it. Worried that a wet wipe would wake him up too much and possibly cause another tantrum, Remus simply wiped Harry’s face with a dry section of the blanket and insisted to himself that he would run it through the wash in the morning. Harry immediately rolled onto his side and curled into a tight ball around his stuffed lion, snuggling close to it and sighing through his runny nose as he fell asleep.

Remus tiptoed out of the room and shut the door to just a crack before going back to the living room and flopping dramatically onto the couch with a groan. Sirius set his guitar to the side to pull Remus’s head into his lap, slowly running his fingers through his hair and massaging his scalp in an attempt to calm both of them down.

“Of course James would have a child from Hell,” Sirius sighed with a cheeky grin, causing them both to chuckle in amusement. They sat in the sweet, sweet silence for a few more minutes before Sirius patted Remus on the cheek to wake him from his dozing and said, “Come on, Moony, let’s get you to bed.”

Remus didn’t open his eyes, but slowly rolled off of Sirius’s lap and took his hand with a tired squeeze. Sirius stood and helped Remus to his feet, wrapping an arm around his waist as they shuffled off to bed. 

This was going to be a long weekend.


	2. "Moojam" and Other Colorful Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry wants Moojam. What is Moojam? Dear god, what is Moojam?!
> 
> In which Sirius teaches Harry a new word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took so long to write! It was way longer than I had expected; longer than any fic I've ever written! Hopefully it's not too convoluted. There's one chapter left to come. Enjoy!

They slept soundly, for the few hours they did sleep. At precisely 2:47 a.m. – Remus checked – the horrible wailing began again. They tried everything; they rubbed his back, read him a bedtime book, rocked him, lay on the guest bed with him, checked his nighttime diaper, sang to him, and nothing worked. Every time it seemed like he was just tired enough to go back to sleep, he started crying again, calling “Mummy!” and “Daddy!” interchangeably when neither of his parents came to rescue him from his sadness. They felt bad for him, they really did, but there was simply nothing Sirius or Remus could do to keep him from missing James and Lily.  
Eventually they just gave up and went back to their own bed, tossing and turning and grumbling through the night. They must’ve both fallen asleep at some point, though, because they were awoken to a surprisingly cheery Harry tugging on their bed sheets and announcing, “Moojam!”

“Hm?” Sirius mumbled, rubbing his eyes and rolling over to look at the bright-eyed and bushy-tailed boy standing beside him. Harry was making an attempt to climb onto the bed, but his little legs couldn’t quite reach over the top of the mattress. He lost his balance and fell with a soft thud, yanking their sheets down with him. He frowned, lip quivering, and Sirius jumped up like the house was on fire to scoop Harry up and rock him in an attempt to keep him from crying again. “Okay, okay, little tosser, I’m up.”

“Moojam,” said Harry again.

Remus rolled out of bed and tugged his boxers up with one hand, followed by a yawn and a stretch. Sirius took a mental note of Remus’s briefly exposed hip bones and the way his muscles flexed as he arched his back and lifted his arms. “I’ll go get his clothes,” he murmured sleepily, rubbing his face as he brushed past Sirius and Harry on his way to the guest room.

Sirius bounced Harry on his hip to bring his mind away from the dangerous drifting to thoughts of Remus’s body and decided a good pot of coffee would wake them both up. He made his own departure from the bedroom and set Harry on the couch, flipping the TV to a kid-friendly station while he set up the strap-in booster seat at the dining room table. Just as he got the seat set up and a pot of coffee brewing, Remus emerged into the living room with a tiny outfit, a diaper bag, and Harry’s bag of toys in tow. For some reason seeing Remus in responsible dad mode somehow made Sirius even more attracted to him.

Damn, the things he’d do to that man if it weren’t for that adorable little hellspawn giggling at the television. How did James and Lily ever have the time, energy, or privacy to get it on while Harry was around? In fact, how did anyone with kids do it? They had to find a way somehow, since some kids were born only a year or so apart from one another. Sirius couldn’t imagine wanting to ever have sex if it risked having another one of these screeching gremlins in your home as a result, though.

At least for now Harry was a cute and quiet gremlin. Remus was changing him on the couch and it was going surprisingly well. Both Remus and Sirius were too exhausted to bother with potty training – which Lily said they should try to do as soon as Harry woke up, immediately before going to bed, and at least three or four times during the day – so instead Remus slipped a fresh pull-up onto him and buttoned up his red checkered shirt, saving the pants for after breakfast. Jeans seemed much too complex for 8:00 in the morning.

“Coffee’s ready,” Sirius announced, then poured two mugs full while Remus tossed some bread into the toaster. “Alright Harry, come here and sit so you can eat!” he added, filling the sippy cup Remus had set on the counter with the last of the milk from the fridge.

“Moojam!” responded Harry as he broke into a wobbly run. Once he made it to the chair, he grabbed at the air next to it like he was asking it to lift him up towards it. Remus obliged his request and set him in the booster seat before pushing in the chair and ruffling Harry’s already ruffled hair.

Sirius offered a mug with puppies printed across it to Remus, who took it gratefully in both hands and carefully blew on the steam that rose from the liquid’s surface. “Any idea what ‘moojam’ is?” Sirius asked, and his very sleepy husband shook his head with a shrug.

“Not a single clue.”

As if on cue, Harry more forcefully announced, “Moojam! Moojam!” and hit his hands on the table. When the toast popped up from the toaster, he repeated the word again. And again. And again.

“What in the bloody hell is he on about?” Remus sighed, buttering the toast before stacking it on a plate and carrying it to the table.

Sirius followed close behind with his coffee and Harry’s milk and replied, “I can’t figure it out either. Morning? Monkeys? Pajamas? Moon jams? Maybe it’s a song he likes?”

They passed the milk and a halved slice of toast to Harry, but he was getting irritated at this point. “Moojam!” he yelled, tossing the toast across the table with an angry kick of his feet.

“Oh no, please, no, not another tantrum. I will completely lose my mind.” Sirius stood and reached out to hold Harry’s hand in an attempt to calm him. “Okay Harry, okay. What is moojam? What does that mean? Can you tell me?”

In response Harry only began shouting the word more loudly, increasing in volume and frustration until he was at nearly the same level of scream-crying as the night before. He thrashed his feet and pounded his fists on the table so hard he rattled some of the coffee from their mugs.

“Fuck it, I’m calling Lily,” Sirius growled, shoving out his chair with a loud scrape of the kitchen tile and stomping back to the bedroom to get his phone.

“She said only to call in emergencies!” called Remus between the soft coos and calming words he attempted to speak to Harry.

“This is an emergency!” Sirius retorted, anger and exhaustion and pitiful stress-sadness welling up in him as he listened impatiently to the phone’s ringing.

“Hey, Sirius, is everything okay? Is Harry–?”

Before Lily could finish her sentence, Sirius snapped, “What in God’s name is moojam, Lily? He’s been shouting it all morning and we can’t get him to stop! Is that the name of one of his toys? A special shirt he likes to wear? What?”

A faint giggling came through the line as if Lily had pulled away from the phone to laugh before her voice returned more clearly. “Oh, it’s mulberry jam! He likes to have it in the morning! Just spread it on some toast or a muffin and he’ll be right as rain. But if that’s all I really must go now. We’re about to head to the beach! See you Sunday!”

Before Sirius could ask what a mulberry was or where to buy jam of it, Lily had hung up the phone and he was left just as confused as before he called her. He returned to ground zero of the screeching fit and shouted, “Mulberry jam!” to Remus, who looked so rattled and exhausted that he barely even acknowledged Sirius at all.

Good thing they needed to go to the store anyways. “Okay, Harry! Settle down, alright? We’re going to get some moojam, okay? We’re going to the store to get it!” Sirius did his best to make his voice sound cheery and not like he wanted to bite the kid’s head off. Harry seemed to have understood the message and calmed down a bit, reducing his repetitive chant to a half-sad, half-excited whine.

“Yay! To the store we go then!” agreed Remus, glad that they didn’t have to spend a single minute longer in the endless hellscape that was toddler tantrums. He unstrapped Harry from the chair and set him down, leading him to the living room as he brainstormed creative ways to get him into pants, socks, and shoes.

Meanwhile, Sirius stole quickly into the bedroom to change from his usual t-shirt and pajama pants into a slightly different t-shirt and sweatpants. He got out a similar outfit for Remus – a plain t-shirt, a button-up to wear on top, and sweatpants – because he knew neither of them were conscious or mentally stable enough to put on anything _other_ than sweatpants.

Remus dressed Harry and Sirius dressed Remus until they were all ready to go. Harry seemed to have calmed down enough now that they could carry him down to the car without much of a fuss. Every once in a while he would wiggle his feet and sing, “Moojam, moojam,” to himself in a melodic tune, which was decidedly better than the violent kicking and screaming. Sirius held Harry on his hip opposite the diaper bag strapped over his other shoulder, gently bouncing him while Harry curled his fingers curiously into Sirius’s long hair. Sirius tried to ignore the fact that Harry’s hands were most-definitely covered in drool and decided instead to focus on the amusement of watching Remus struggle in frustration with the straps of the car seat.

“Ugh, why is this so difficult?” Remus huffed, clenching a buckle in his fist for a moment before slinging it back down. He had somehow gotten all the straps tangled up and couldn’t figure out which ones were for anchoring the seat to the car and which were for fastening up Harry. When he leaned out of the back seat to face Sirius, he was giving him a dangerously smug smirk. “What?” he asked sharply, mildly annoyed but also a bit enthused by his husband’s ego. “Think you can do better?”

Sirius shrugged and gently removed Harry’s hands from his hair before passing the boy and the diaper bag to Remus, who only pouted a little. “I mean, if I can take off your belt with one hand I’m sure setting up a car seat will be a piece of cake.” His smirk widened into a grin as he nimbly unraveled the knot of straps. 

Although he wasn’t looking at him, he could tell by the tense silence and fumbled stammering that Remus was blushing red as an apple. Remus was so cute when he blushed, and making him do so was the favorite hobby of one Sirius Black.

Due to Remus’s flustered silence there wasn’t much more conversation between them as Sirius finished installing the car seat and strapped Harry snugly into it. Remus climbed into the passenger seat and pulled out a CD that Lily had marked “Harry Car Music” from the shoulder bag he had packed for their trip. The entire ride to the market was drowned in annoyingly repetitive tunes that made Remus’s jaw clench, but Harry sang along and Sirius tapped his fingers against the steering wheel to the beat so it was apparently an effective song list.

“Alright Harry, time for some moojam!” Sirius announced once they had parked, somehow more upbeat after listening to The Wheels on The Bus three times in a row. Harry squealed in delight and waved his arms, clapping excitedly. Remus started a mental countdown for how much time he had left to get Harry out of the car seat before he started screaming impatiently.

Sirius went to get the shopping cart while Remus unbuckled Harry and set him down, holding his hand as they walked together to catch up with Sirius. Harry dragged his stuffed lion along on the pavement, bouncing it like it was walking beside him and somehow managing to dip it in every dirty puddle along the way. Remus tried not to pay it any mind because scolding him would be more trouble than it was worth; besides, he had already decided that Mr. Lion needed a wash anyways.

Once they made it into the store Sirius picked up Harry and pulled his legs (with only a moderate level of shouting and kicking) through the holes of the child seat at the front of the cart. He and Remus quickly realized that whoever designed this style of shopping-cart baby-seat must hate both adults and children, because the seat was very uncomfortable for Harry which made him angrily thrash his legs, which made him repeatedly kick whoever was pushing the cart directly in the stomach. Eventually the three of them painstakingly made their way down each isle for groceries until they finally collected their treasured mulberry jam. Sirius made up a jam song on the way there and Harry quickly caught on, so the two of them were singing it all the way to the cash register. Even Remus joined in for a chorus or two as he placed the groceries on the belt and passed a handful of wadded up cash to the clerk.

The ride home was a merry mix of singing the jam song and The Wheels on The Bus over and over. Remus was only just nearly to his breaking point when they pulled into the garage and led Harry back to the dining table with their tote bags draped across each arm. Together he and Sirius unloaded the groceries and spread some mulberry jam on toast for Harry’s almost-afternoon brunch meal, which Sirius then passed directly to Harry rather than dealing with the entire ordeal of wrestling Harry into a booster seat at the table.

“Here you go, buddy. Here’s some moojam on toast!” said Sirius with a smile.

Remus nodded in enthusiastic agreement and gestured for the boy to take a piece.

Harry took the piece of toast much more tentatively than they had expected for the level of excitement and subsequent anger he had been showing just a little while before. He held the slice close to his face, sniffing it and examining it very closely before slowly taking a bite. After a moment of contemplative chewing, Harry shook his head, huffed a stern “No,” and dropped the toast jam-side-down on the floor. 

“Are you fucking serious?” groaned Sirius under his breath. Remus strained to avoid making a “serious-Sirius” joke.

“Maybe we can just try to feed him something else while we distract him with something fun. I’ll try to find something easy for him to eat. Why don’t you go check his stuff for some kind of game we can play?” Remus suggested, wrapping an arm tightly around Sirius’s waist and giving his hip a squeeze as a distraction from the building frustration.

Sirius placed a hand over Remus’s and rubbed his thumb across it gently, slowly nodding as he sighed through his nose. When his eyes wandered to the inevitably sticky mess of toast and jam on the floor, Remus added, “Don’t worry, I’ll get it.” Sirius’s tension slacked a bit and he smiled, giving Remus a few kisses on the cheek that wandered down his neck before reluctantly forcing himself to pull away and go look for toys like Remus had asked.

All in good time the sticky floor and the sticky toddler were adequately wiped down, Mr. Lion was run through the wash, a banana was eaten, and the toys were prepared for play. Sirius had pulled out a wooden train set complete with a customizable wooden track that could be pieced together in numerous ways. On the floor with Harry sat Sirius, while Remus watched cross-legged from the couch.

“That piece won’t fit there, love,” Remus chimed as Sirius struggled to force two track pieces together. Meanwhile Harry knocked the wooden train cars together to make a loud clapping noise.

“I’ll make it fit!” retorted Sirius, his hands and wrists trembling with the force he was exerting in an attempt to fit one end into the socket of the other.

“Sirius, it’s a kid’s toy. If it doesn’t fit, it doesn’t fit. Here, it goes like this.” To demonstrate, Remus came down from his cushioned perch and knelt on the floor beside his husband before stringing a few sections of track together with ease.

Sirius, more grumpy this time, replied, “Well yeah, I guess, but it’s just a straight line now. I wanted the track to be cool.”

Remus was sure that Harry would not care if the track was “cool” or not, but at this point he was more worried about Sirius throwing a tantrum than Harry. “Okay, okay. Let’s make it cool then.”

“Yes! We can make it do a jump!”

Ah, yes. This was certainly the man Remus fell in love with. The two were practically purring as they built the track together (with Harry’s help, of course), and Sirius made Harry laugh and squeal in excitement as the train flew down the track with a wide variety of sound effects to accompany it.

“Waaahhh! Oh no! We’re crashing!! Aaaaahhhhh! Krrt! Fwoosh!” Sirius slammed the train engine into the track after an elaborate jump with multiple flips, prompting Harry to giggle and throw his train piece down as well. Afterwards, though, Harry’s face twisted into a hard frown and he shifted back and forth uncomfortably.

Remus's laughter was quickly replaced with a mild panic and he prodded Sirius's arm. “Sirius… Sirius! I think he needs to go.”

Sirius looked up and tilted his head, resembling a confused dog. “Go?” He glanced at Harry. “Oh, _go!_ ” he exclaimed and scrambled to his feet, grabbing Harry and rushing to the toilet with him clutched to his chest like a rugby ball. Harry grunted and whined as he did. Remus followed close behind.

Once they arrived in the bathroom, Sirius set Harry in front of the training potty and hurriedly yanked down his pants and pull-up only to discover that Harry was already peeing. It got absolutely everywhere: on the floor, on Sirius’s legs, on Harry’s pants, and anywhere else within splashing distance. Remus couldn’t help but erupt into a bursting fit of laughter at the sight. Sirius grabbed Harry by the shoulders and whipped him around to face the potty – which created a wide half-circle puddle on the floor – until finally whatever was left in Harry’s bladder was aimed generally in the right direction.

“Good job, Harry! You did so great!” Remus praised, barely able to speak around his uncontrollable giggling.

In response, Sirius then turned his frustration of the situation to Remus. “You’re cleaning this up!” he seethed, stomping off to change his clothes before Remus could respond.

_Totally worth it._

Once Remus had changed Harry’s clothes – all the while encouraging him for doing such a good job at the potty – and mopped the floor, he emerged from the bathroom holding Harry’s hand to find that Sirius had calmed himself by preparing lunch: peanut butter and mulberry jam sandwiches.

“Listen, I had to get rid of this stuff somehow,” Sirius defended as Remus approached with a raised brow and a smirk. Once his husband was within reach he tugged him forward and squeezed him into a tight hug around the waist, trailing some more kisses up his jaw and down his neck.

“I didn’t say anything,” Remus replied with a smile, instinctively tilting his head to one side to allow easier access to Sirius. He could only let the affection go on for a moment though, because Harry ran up behind them and began jumping and reaching for the sandwiches on the counter. Apparently half a banana wasn’t enough to hold him over into the evening.

“Hey!” Harry chimed, grunting in frustration as he reached on the tip of his toes to try and take the sandwich. He then turned to Sirius and Remus and pouted, crossing his arms and furrowing his eyebrows as hard as he could.

“Alright, alright,” said Remus. He gently pushed Sirius’s arms off of his waist, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek before he added, “Thanks for making lunch, love.” Sirius pouted almost as much as Harry did.

Together the three boys ate their sandwiches, which tasted quite horrible – not that Harry seemed to mind. Sirius cursed between each bite at the strange combination of flavors, but Remus simply suffered through it in silence. Harry’s sandwich disappeared very quickly for how small he was; the only evidence that it had even existed in the first place was the smearing of jam and peanut butter all over his face, hands, and freshly-changed clothes.

Remus went to wipe Harry’s face and hands with a towelette, but they were so sticky that he was really only creating more of a mess. “Ugh, why are kids always so sticky?” he complained, turning to face Sirius with those puppy-dog eyes of his, this time taking his turn to pout.

Sirius chuckled and took the wipe from Remus’s hand, leaning up to kiss his forehead. “Don’t worry, I’ll get him cleaned up, alright?” He could tell by the way Remus’s normally-impeccable posture perked up a bit at the suggestion that he had been exhausted at the mere thought of having to clean up Harry again.

“Alright,” replied Remus. He did his best to help by taking Harry down from his booster chair and waving him towards Sirius. “Go with Uncle Sirius for a bath, okay?”

“Oh, yay! Bath time!” Harry gasped and hopped a little in excitement at the mention of a bath, then ran straight past Sirius and into the bathroom. He pulled down his pants on his own and was tugging off his socks by the time Sirius had followed him in and begun running the water.

Once Remus had finished clearing the table, he peeked into the bathroom to find Harry splashing and throwing bubbles in a fit of giggling. He seemed to be mimicking Sirius’s crashing and exploding sounds from the train earlier, punching his fists against the surface of the water to try and make bigger and bigger splashes.

“Yeah! Do another one!” cheered Sirius, unaware that Remus was watching them both. Sirius’s clothes were soaking wet from Harry’s splashing, but he didn’t seem to mind.

“I just cleaned the floor in here,” Remus announced as he emerged, pushing the door open to lean against the door frame. Despite his complaint, however, he couldn’t help but smirk at the flutter in his heart he felt upon watching how enthusiastically Harry and Sirius played together.

Sirius gasped and blushed as he was caught, whipping around to face Remus and revealing the beard made of bubbles on his chin. Remus erupted into a fit of laughter, doubling over and wheezing at how hard he laughed. Harry waved and said “Hi Remi!” before going back to splashing, completely oblivious to the apparent scolding from Remus.

As Remus continued his fit of laughter, Sirius scooped a confused Harry out of the tub and quickly dried him with a towel before draining the water. Once Remus settled down, he went to get a fresh pull-up from the guest bedroom. They decided putting Harry in full clothing was probably too much work, so once the pull-up was on him they just left it at that. As the excitement of the bath ebbed, Harry yawned and groaned in frustration before rubbing his eyes and lifting his arms to Sirius with a whine.

“Looks like it’s nap time,” Sirius said. Then with an apologetic smile he sheepishly added, “I’ll clean up the mess.” He took Harry’s hand and gently led him to Remus, who lifted him up and carried him off to his bed.

Remus also yawned as he tucked Harry in with his lion, so perhaps a nap for himself was also in order. He returned to his bedroom to find Sirius stripped to his underwear, which was a welcome sight after all the stress of handling tantrums all day.

As Sirius opened a drawer to retrieve some fresh clothes, Remus slid his arms around his bare waist from behind and tugged him back until their bodies were pressed together. He rested his chin on Sirius’s shoulder, mischievously whispering in an intentionally breathy voice, “You don’t need those.” Sirius leaned into the touch, firmly pressing against Remus as he turned his head to plant a kiss on his cheek.

“Oh, really?” Sirius teased, pulling away from their embrace so he could face his husband more easily. He took a step forward until their bodies were once again pressed tightly together, only this time he could stare into Remus’s soft eyes as he held him. “And why is that, Moony?”

“You know why,” Remus purred, but he barely had time to respond before Sirius’s hand was gliding up his torso under his shirt. A small hum of approval rumbled in his throat and he smirked at Sirius as he wrapped an arm over Sirius’s shoulders and pulled him back to the bed.

As soon as they hit the mattress it was like they were teenagers again, flushed with adrenaline and excitement and overwhelming lust that demanded immediate action. They had no time to take their clothes off before they began trailing each other’s bodies with their tongues and eagerly groping anything they could get their hands on. Their heavy breath and stifled moans heated the space around them, leaving their minds in a heavy fog that distracted them from anything else in the room besides the taste of sweat and pulsing warmth between them.

That is, until Sirius felt a horrifyingly familiar tug on the bed sheets beside him.

“Shit!” he shouted, scrambling off of Remus so quickly that he nearly fell off the opposite side of the bed.

Staring up from the floor beside them was Harry, lion in hand as he smiled widely and repeated, “Shit!” He bounced on his toes a little as he did, gleefully imitating Sirius’s terrified jumping.

Fuck.

They were caught.

“Oh no, we’ve scarred him for life!” gasped Remus, desperately wishing that the mattress would open up and swallow him into an endless abyss so he didn’t have to feel this prickling anxiety coursing through him and pounding his heart even harder than it had been a few minutes before. He pulled the sheets over his head and hid for a moment to try and gather himself.

“Shit,” Sirius repeated, staring across the bed at Harry like he was watching a wild animal about to strike. Harry repeated it too.

“Sirius, stop saying that!” Remus shouted exasperatedly, kicking Sirius’s leg. He peeked out from under the covers and glanced at Harry. Much to his surprise he found that this situation was somehow even more weird and uncomfortable than originally thought. “Hey, is he… naked?” he squeaked, barely able to bring himself to say it.

This was the most embarrassing moment of either of their lives, and that is saying a _lot_.

Harry held his lion in one hand and reached up to make a grasping motion with his other. It was apparent that he had lost his pull-up somewhere between the guest room and their bedroom, so Remus immediately adjusted himself and got up to find where it had gone. Sirius, still gut-wrenched with shock, awkwardly sat up and pulled Harry up onto the bed with him. Harry squeezed his lion in delight and chimed, “Shit!” as he reached out to curl Sirius’s hair around his tiny fingers.

“Oh, Harry, don’t say that, please,” Sirius groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Lily’s going to kill me.”

When Remus returned they worked together to clothe Harry, both unusually quiet as they silently recovered from the scathing humiliation that flushed both their faces.

“Harry, do you want dinner?” Remus asked.

“Yes please!” Harry replied, so excited for food that he dropped his lion and scurried with raised arms towards the kitchen. “Dinner! Dinner!” he sang, clumsily dancing as he made his way.

Remus and Sirius followed close behind, shoulders slumped and eyes tracing the floor like dejected teenagers being grounded by their parents. When they rounded the corner, Harry stumbled back in feigned startlement and exclaimed, “Shit!” 

Quickly Remus slapped a hand over his mouth to contain his laughter. Sirius felt his chest tighten at the thought of the verbal lashing Lily was going to give him when she heard her son curse like that. Or worse, she’d renounce Sirius as Harry’s godfather if she found out.

This called for desperate measures.

“Hey Harry?” 

“Yeah?” the boy piped, attempting to clamber onto a dining chair. Remus picked him up and helped him into his booster seat as Sirius continued.

“I’ll give you candy for dinner if you stop saying that word. How’s that sound?”

“Siri—”

“Candy!” cheered Harry, interrupting Remus’s sigh of disapproval.

“Yeah! Candy!” Sirius repeated.

Remus rolled his eyes and went to the cupboard to retrieve a bar of chocolate, which he passed to Sirius before turning to the fridge to prepare an actual meal for the three of them.

Sirius spent the next several minutes bribing Harry with the chocolate, but he somehow conditioned Harry for the exact opposite of what he intended; every time Harry would be quiet for a minute or two, Sirius would give him some chocolate, only for Harry to blurt out a colorful exclamation in response.

“I can’t believe you’re _this_ clueless about childcare.” A smug smile emblazoned across Remus’s face as he reached around Sirius to place a bowl of macaroni and cheese in front of him, disrupted only by the kiss he planted firmly on his husband’s temple.

“Hey!” Sirius huffed indignantly, pouting a little. By this time he was nearly out of chocolate, so in consolation he popped the last bite into his mouth and took a second bowl from Remus to set in front of Harry. This was _not_ how he had expected his evening to go.

Dinner went smoothly, all things considering. Harry only finished half of his bowl — likely because he was full with chocolate — so Remus and Sirius shared his leftovers. Afterwards, Sirius offered to do the dishes while Remus was reluctantly elected to take Harry to the potty.

Their good luck streak continued for at least a few hours after that. Harry used the potty successfully without incident, much to Remus’s relief. He washed Harry’s hands and even managed to clean all the cheese and chocolate from Harry’s face without much of a fuss. When they returned to the living room, Sirius was prepared there with some big blankets, Harry’s lion, and a bedtime kid’s show playing on the television.

They snuggled up close together, Sirius resting his head on Remus’s shoulder and Harry sitting huddled in Sirius’s lap under their blankets. All was quiet, the three of them dozing and occasionally chuckling at the show’s dancing puppet characters. After the episode ended Remus pressed a finger over his lips to signal Sirius to be quiet, then pointed at the gently snoring Harry. Sirius nodded and carefully stood, sleeping toddler draped across his chest as he carried him off to bed. Remus followed quietly behind with Harry’s lion in tow. He had to admit that Sirius being so soft, gentle, and caring with the boy was a heartwarming sight.

But as Sirius gently pulled away from Harry’s bed and tiptoed to the door, the blissful fluttering in Remus’s chest turned to boulders. They both winced as the door creaked slightly and Harry stirred from tired whimpering to blubbering cries. Sirius sighed in unison with Remus and they both went back into the room to comfort him.

Remus checked the clock — 9:34 pm — and decided that he could not manage another night of Harry’s screaming.

“Want to take him to our bed?” Sirius asked, just before Remus could make the same suggestion. 

“You read my mind.”

Sirius picked up Harry and rocked him back and forth a bit, patting his back as he made his way to the master bedroom. Remus kissed Sirius’s shoulder and walked ahead of him to get their bed ready. He straightened the sheets and pillows, then after Sirius's set Harry down, Remus pulled Sirius into a final long hug and kiss before they went to lay down.

Together, the three of them huddled up into bed, Harry nestled soundly between Sirius and Remus. Remus gently rubbed Harry’s back with one hand while his other was entwined with Sirius’s.

“Good night, Moony,” Sirius whispered.

“Good night, my love.”

And the three of them slept soundly through the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Don't worry, there's more antics to come!


	3. Monsters, Messes, and Missing Pants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which they finally, almost, maybe, start to get the hang of this.
> 
> Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter! Thanks so much for sticking around to read it!

The next morning, Sirius stirred awake to find himself in a tangle of limbs and sheets with Remus. Rather than opening his eyes, he simply snuggled himself closer to Remus’s torso and buried his face in the warm spot where his neck met his shoulder. A soft, contented hum escaped his throat and the beginnings of a smile pulled the corners of his lips. Remus was a cozy cuddle partner.

Soon Remus began to wake as well, absently running his fingers through Sirius’s hair and occasionally snoring a little. It was a quiet, comfortable morning, and together they took in the relaxation of a slow rise and the warm sunlight.

For a minute or two, anyways. 

With a start Sirius suddenly leapt up onto his hands and knees and whipped his head around with wide eyes like a scared cat, patting all the various lumps in the bed with increasing intensity. “Where’s Harry?!” he shouted, panicked, and Remus sat up so fast that their foreheads knocked together audibly.

“Fuck!” Remus growled, and Sirius slumped onto his side so he could hold his head in both palms, whimpering and wincing. Remus took this moment to glance at the alarm clock – 11:15 _already?!_

Then, in the quiet of the pair’s respective brooding, a distinct sound echoed faintly down the corridor… 

Laughter. Harry’s laughter.

Sirius jumped up again – oh, _dizzy_ – and, after firmly planting his wobbly footing, rushed out of the bedroom and followed the giggling into the bathroom. Harry sat in the middle of the floor, pants at his ankles, with the entire toilet paper roll strewn around him and tangled all over his body. He laughed as he tugged and waved the paper around like a banner, kicking his heels against the floor in delight. 

“Oh _no_ , Harry, we can’t let Remus see you like this!”

“See him like what?” came Remus’s voice from behind, his hands beginning to wrap around Sirius’s waist in a hug but stopping midway. Sirius could feel the tension in his fingertips. One day that man was going to implode from the stress of doing chores.

“ _You’re_ cleaning this up,” Remus muttered, the throaty growl in his voice either from the grogginess of just waking up or the frustration at the sight of his just-cleaned bathroom destroyed again. His hands slid away from Sirius’s hips, and Sirius couldn’t help but pout a little at the lack of physical affection.

“Hi Remy! Hi Siri!” greeted Harry, beaming up at them. Sirius waved back sheepishly and skirted the mess of toilet paper to pick Harry up, untangle him, and pull his pants up before handing him off to Remus. 

“Hey Harry, you go help Remus make breakfast, alright?” Sirius asked, and waved again at the two as they retreated to the kitchen. They looked so cute and so perfect together, with their matching curls of wild brown hair and soft, light-colored eyes. As Sirius gathered up all the tissue into his arms and attempted to compile it enough to fit it into a garbage bag, he daydreamed of what Remus looked like as a kid. Maybe he could ask Mrs. Lupin for pictures one day.

Remus, meanwhile, was stirring a pot of oatmeal and Harry was pretending to cut up some plastic fruits with his toy knife to go into the oatmeal. Briefly Sirius emerged from the dragon-hoard of toilet paper to grab a garbage bag, then soon returned again with a thoroughly stuffed bag thrown over his shoulder like a tall, dark, handsome Santa Claus. He gave Remus a kiss on the cheek, probably to test the waters of how angry Remus still was — which he wasn’t, anymore, because cooking always calmed him — and left to take the bag to the outside bin.

“Thank you so much for helping me cut the bananas, Harry!” Remus praised, clicking the stove off and setting the pot to the side before picking Harry up and spinning him around. Harry’s excited giggling must’ve been contagious, because Remus started laughing too. 

“Time to wash our hands,” he said, and lifted Harry onto his knee so the boy could reach the water from the faucet. 

Harry replied with a singsong, “Scrub-a-dub dub!” as Remus poured the soap onto his hands, and Remus wondered if there was some sort of special song they should be singing for washing hands. Maybe Lily left something about it in her notes.

Once they were both prepared for breakfast, Remus set Harry down in his chair and placed the oatmeal in front of him, but warned him not to eat it until the steam went away. He placed two banana slices and a row of blueberries into the oatmeal in the shape of a smiley face, which made Harry smile and gasp in awe.

As Harry waited patiently for his meal to cool, Sirius returned from his bin expedition and washed his own hands (at Remus’s request). The three of them enjoyed a fairly quiet and peaceful breakfast, with only a moderate smear of oatmeal and blueberries coating Harry’s face and hands by the end of it.

Then, without warning, Sirius looked up and murmured, “Oh no…” Trailing off dramatically, he pointed at the lamp light nearby and said, “Harry, look! It’s a full moon! That means Remus is going to turn into a big monster and eat the whole city! We have to save them!”

“Oh no!” Harry replied, looking genuinely worried until Sirius picked him up out of the chair and spun him around while making whooshing airplane noises. Remus played along, too, and began stomping around and roaring as he pretended to be a giant beast.

“Get him, Harry!” shouted Sirius, and climbed up onto a chair in preparation to jump with Harry held over his head. Remus briefly broke character, but before he could voice his concerns Sirius leapt forward and Harry victoriously latched onto Remus’s shirt. Maybe they should’ve cleaned off Harry’s hands first…

They played like this for a while, until Remus got tired of having oatmeal smeared all over him and Sirius’s arms started to hurt from all the dramatic swinging and throwing and carrying. By this point it had been a good amount of time since they had eaten, so they decided it may be best for Harry to try the potty.

It seemed that their lucky streak of all the good behavior from breakfast had run out, because Harry sat for nearly 20 minutes with no success. He began to wiggle and pout impatiently, getting grumpier and nearing the beginnings of a tantrum at any moment. Remus suggested they read a potty book to him to help him focus, but that didn’t work either. Eventually, Harry simply got up and began waddling around with his pants down, which Remus and Sirius took as a signal that they had lost this time.

“Harry, mate, you have to learn to pull your pants up when you’re done.” Sirius stopped Harry and pulled his pants up for him, after which they took him back to the living room for some TV and snacks.

As the annoying jingle of some colorful commercial started up for the sixth or seventh time, Sirius yawned and curled up against Remus’s side. “This is exhausting work,” he sighed, and closed his eyes.

They had just drifted off into a nap as they sat together on the couch, but awoke simultaneously to the horrifying sound of Harry’s blood-curdling screams followed by loud thumps and clattering. 

“Shit!” Harry shouted between cries, throwing another toy at the television screen. 

“ _Okay_ , Harry, okay. Please stop using that word before Lily and James murder us,” Sirius grumbled as he stirred, leaning away from his husband to give him room to get up and settle the situation. 

As soon as Remus was awake enough to understand what was happening, he scrambled to his feet and turned off the television. Harry, although slightly less screechy now, still looked visibly upset. He reached up for Remus, who brushed across his tear-streaked cheeks with his thumbs before picking him up and bouncing him a little. That was when Remus discovered the source of Harry’s frustration; he had had an accident.

Sirius held Harry on the couch while Remus went to get a fresh change of clothes, but that was the easiest of their tasks. Attempting to get Harry out of one pair of clothes and into another was a completely different beast.

Harry kicked and screamed the entire time they changed him, Sirius holding down his legs while Remus avoided swinging arms and pulled a t-shirt over Harry’s head. Once they had finally wrangled a fresh pull-up onto him, Sirius let him go and Remus made one of the most defeated whimpers ever heard. He attempted to stop Harry from scurrying off, but Sirius mused, “Ah, leave it. Who needs pants anyways?”

With a small sigh, Remus resigned his objections and allowed Harry to leave. Harry, now content, clean, and half-naked, sat on the floor happily playing with the toys he had previously been using as projectiles.

The two men snuggled together on the couch for a bit, careful to keep an eye on Harry this time, and found comfort in the stillness. 

“I’m so glad I can’t get you pregnant,” Remus joked.

Sirius laughed with that bright, wide smile Remus had always adored, but his expression then faded away into quiet thoughtfulness. “I don’t know,” he began after some silence, “I think that as chaotic as this is, having a little bugger like Harry around is admittedly pretty fun.”

Remus agreed.

Then, a voice called from the direction of the front door.

“Why is our son naked?” asked Lily as she set her bags down on the floor. 

“And… Sticky?” added James.

Sirius and Remus carefully skirted Harry’s elaborate play scene and approached to give James and Lily their respective hugs of greeting. 

“Well he is _your_ kid, isn’t he, Prongs? He’s ought to have something a little off about him!” Sirius teased, earning himself a punch on the shoulder from Lily.

Remus added a smug, “You deserved that,” with a grin on his face, although he kissed Sirius’s shoulder in consolation anyways. Then, turning his attention back to James, he asked, “But seriously, what is with him and taking his clothes off all the time?”

Lily rolled her eyes at this and crossed her arms, nudging James with her elbow. “With how rarely James wears clothes around the house when it’s just the three of us, I’m surprised Harry’s even learned to put clothes on at all!”

“Hey!” James retorted indignantly, “There’s nothing wrong with letting everything air out every once in a while!”

They all laughed, which made Harry laugh. He had not let go of James’s leg since they walked in, and he was significantly quieter and happier now that his parents had returned. In the silence following their laughter, Sirius’s stomach growled loudly, which made them all laugh again.

“Mm, we forgot lunch, didn’t we?” Remus thought aloud. “I’ll make dinner.”

The four of them stood around the kitchen and chatted for a while as Remus prepared pasta for the group. James and Lily shared stories of their vacation and all the fun they had meanwhile Sirius and Remus recounted the many wild escapades of babysitting for Harry for the past few days. The weekend had certainly been an adventure for them all.

Dinner was eaten, Harry was clothed, laughter was shared, and shenanigans were had until finally it was time for the Potters to go. They packed up all of his things and set his luggage beside the door, but as they were leaving, Harry ran over and latched onto Sirius’s leg while reaching up with one hand toward Remus, whimpering and pouting pathetically.

Remus leaned down and smiled at him, holding his hand. “It’s alright,” he assured.

“Yeah, you’ll see us again soon! Promise!” added Sirius, ruffling his hair.

As Lily picked up Harry and placed him on her hip, allowing him to bury his face against her shoulder, she commented, “I guess you’ve given him quite the fun weekend, then.” She offered him his stuffed lion, which he took gratefully and hugged close to comfort himself.

Sirius nodded in agreement and threw an arm around Remus’s shoulder as they picked up a few of Harry’s bags and proceeded to take them down to the car. “Hey, we’re pretty good at this, huh?” He grinned, and Remus knew something foolish was about to come out of his mouth. “Who knows, maybe one day soon we’ll have a little Lupin-Black of our own tearing up the place!”

Although it was a joke, as they finished packing the bags into the car, waved goodbye to the Potters, and walked back to their home hand-in-hand, the idea didn’t seem too far fetched.

After all, what was the worst that could happen?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a super fun fic and I hope you all enjoyed reading it! 
> 
> P.S. My girlfriend just finished writing [her fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20287849/chapters/48094258) and it is a really good Wolfstar text AU that you should all check out!
> 
> Anyways, that's it from me, thanks again for reading! This isn't my first corny Wolfstar fic and it definitely won't be my last.

**Author's Note:**

> I will be updating this fic at random unscheduled intervals, but it will be finished somewhat soon. I was attempting to write a longer fic, and this was the result! This is my first chaptered fic, so we'll see how it goes from here.


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